Wait, What Are We Doing?

Posted by Vulnadia on Mar 03, 2009 at 03:34 PM Lately, I have really been upset by some of the actions or inactions of some of the mothers that I know. I do not know what to say. I do not understand you. I just do not get it. I do not know how not to say this, so I am writing about it. Get angry with me now for doing this. But whatever you do, get angry with yourself over the way you have been acting. I have known most of these ladies since I was a teenager. In fact, I looked up to one of them, and found sister in another. I don't claim to be perfect, and I above all else do not claim to know everything, but what I see makes me wonder, makes me sad. What are you doing? Where are your children? How do they feel? Oh I know how one of them feels, I saw it in his eyes Saturday night when you decided that being a band groupie was far more important than seeing your son in his play. Yep, that's right, I know. He knows it, too. We all see it and wonder exactly how you could do this. What could have happened that made you choose your lifestyle over your own child's accomplishments? Is it okay that you do these things because of the loss of your own parent? Or is it over the loss of a husband and the failure of the "Perfect marriage?" People remarry, you yourself did the same, now it is time for him to move on. Maybe it is because of the way you were treated by your ex, your boyfriend, your current husband. Or is it perhaps the way society is treating you over a mistake made public? These are not valid excuses for behavior that can only result in resentment and anger, even hurt in the eyes of your children. I know, I know, he is 17 and basically an adult. In fact, from what we have witnessed, he appears more of an adult than his parental units. Do you have any idea of the message you are sending your children? I know that things happen, I know that sometimes we as Mothers need a break. But to tell your child you will be somewhere and to make plans accordingly, then to bail on them at the last minute, not for an emergency, not for an illness, but because a local band is playing and you must go out and show support for local music? What sort of priority is that? Do you know how it sounds when I ask which parent your child is living with this week and the response I get is "Whichever is more convenient for the other at the moment?" The only reason I asked in the first place was so that we could coordinate carpooling plans...not to find out that they are shuffled around like some sort of burden and never really know where they are going to be from one moment to the next. Then to get to hear through the phone how you are screaming at your child because it inconveniences your hungover self to take him as agreed and as planned for months to a function during the day? You called your ex to take care of it, didn't you. What sort of message does this behaviour send to your children? Yet he took care of it, willingly, and lovingly because he loves his son and does the best that he can to make up for everything. What sort of example are you setting for your daughters? How would you react if they started acting the way you that you do? I have another friend. One, who, in comparison, has lived a very chaste life until recently. She made a mistake, a very costly mistake. She was hurt, then her mistake hurt her even more,more than anyone can ever understand. She is now going through a painful divorce, watching her best friend replace her in her husband's life and attempting to replace her in her children's life while the rest of her own life crumbles around her. I feel her pain, but have no way of relating really. All I can do is be there for her and let her know how much I love her and her children no matter what, past , present or future. She is working odd hours in jobs that are foreign to her as her mistake, that one tiny lapse of judgement has cost her her carreer and almost her family and many of her friends. Yet, she makes time for her children, even the ones that are not biologically hers that she has called her own in spite of it all. She does her best to keep them all together as a family yet makes sure that they understand that no matter what they must respect their daddy still and his choice of partner and honor them as parents as well. She is a good mother, in fact she is the one person in her family that everyone relied upon to take care of their children and raise them right and she has succeeded. Here I sit watching these ladies, watching what is happening to their children. Another is also on the band groupie bandwagon while her children roam unattended around their apartment complex doing things that she doesn't realize. I know about it because I keep up with their status on their myspace pages. One is the same age as my eldest, yet is a totally different child. I find myself typing an email to his mother to warn her of his doings, yet how do you say these things to a mother? Should I even say these things to her as a mother? I sit and wonder why doesn't she see the status updates and pictures and blogs as I do. Does she not care? Is she really that blind or does she condone this sort of behavior because she is leading by example? So the emails are never sent and I am left to wonder if I am doing the right thing by not interfering. One lady lives with a boyfriend who has no job and has expensive habits and a band. Another is married still to a man for I am not sure what reason (it appeared abusive from the outside yet I never asked the gory details,just supported her when she wanted to come home) and has a boyfriend who is married to a lady who is about to have another child. What sort of example are we setting for our children? Why is this behavior allright for the mothers, but not okay for the children? Are they validating their behavior as apropriate for their children? Yet another lady is a single mother who is a perpetual student and never has the money to make ends meet. Her daughter is 5 now. She always says she has no childcare, but why oh why is she posting about how she went out and is now home drunk and wanting more? Where did the money come from and where is your baby? How can you act like this if she depends on you for everything? It's a Monday night and she has school in the morning, YOU for that matter, have class in the morning. What are our children to think of us? What sort of example is being set? How do we look them in the eye and say to them to "Do as I say, not as I do?" The leading by example ideal is quite a profound one. One that actually teaches volumes to our children whether we intend it to do so or not. Our children watch us. Our children listen to us. Be mindful of your actions, your priorities, and your words. Maybe, just maybe, you will get mad at me for writing this. Maybe, just maybe, you will understand the reasons why I feel that I must write the things I write. It is because I cannot say the things I feel. I don't want to hurt you or your children. But it hurts me to see the look in their eyes when you hurt them, even if you do feel that they are old enough to understand. Sometimes as mothers our world seems like it is moving faster than a whirlwind, but there are times when we must stop and say, "Wait! What are we doing?" reply arrgghhh, my baby sister is another blog entirely of her own.... her youngest only lived with her for 2 weeks or so before he went to live with my daddy...along with his 2 sisters...he thinks her name is mommy, not who she actually is as a person... its so incredibly hard to see people i have known since high school doing things that we should have done in highschool as adults...& we should know better but cant see how we hurt each other & our kids over it... i know i'm not anywhere near perfect in the mommie dept- heck i know i fall waaaaayyyy short of that...but these other kids- i haveknown some of them since conception literally & now they are almost adults...some highschool aged...some are my friends in their own right like their parents...and oh my goodness it hurts to see them get hurt like this & their parents not understand the why of it or even why it isnt good that they do the things that they do! but i had to talk about it somehow- better here where we can read about them, & learn from it & apply the messages to our own lives before we end up in the same boat...hoping that we dont go that way really, but if they did then we just as well might....and that thought is scary!