So What Is It that You Are Really Trying To Say?

Posted by Vulnadia on Feb 09, 2009 at 03:49 PM I hear all sorts of bizarre things about my kids. It just comes with the territory. So, when I hear and see other folks saying things about the octuplets and their siblings and their Mum, of course I take notice. In fact, since their birth, I have been bombarded with all sorts of interesting questions as if I am some sort of expert on the matter. Maybe I am, who knows, I surely don't think so, but I could be wrong. It has really made me think, though. I sit here watching, reading, and listening to perfectly sane, logical, everyday people saying the most absurd things. They don't appear to realize what it is that they are saying, what it is that they are implying, and basically what it all means. Or maybe I am completely wrong and they totally understand. A part of me hopes that they don't, though. I mean, where else can you see a bunch of die-hard self-proclaimed pro-lifers wishing that a bunch of kids had never been born? Oh sure, they phrase it all sorts of different ways, some blatant, some beautifully written in something short of verse, but it all means the same thing. The message is clear. But what are you really saying? What does it really mean? I mean, at the core, we are all women who like to think that this is modern day and that we all have equal rights and the right to make decisions as adults and as rational human beings without being judged as irrational. Let's face it, the very hormones that made men find us flighty, irrational and unfit to share the basic rights of man long ago are the very same hormones that drive us to want to reproduce. It's just genetically there, implanted within our brains. Women reach a certain age and feel compelled to reproduce. It's a fact of life and it happens to most women. It's probably happened to you, too. Admit it! Reflect, really look back and take a look at yourself. Were you there once? Do you know what it is I am referring to? It even happens when we already have children, too. It's some natural force that drives us to perpetuate our species, and I dare to state that it is totally natural and normal, in spite of the things we say to try and rationalize it that sound to the contrary. So, here we sit, watching a family, however dysfunctional or different they may seem. We are looking in from the outside on a lady who has her batchelors degree and is very close to having her masters. She also happens to be a single mother living with her parents and her 6 children, all who have been conceived via IVF. At the moment she is unemployed, for obvious reasons or so I would dare to state having been there once myself in a similar situation. Because this lady wanted a seventh child, and had access to frozen embryos that were stored by her, fertilized by her sperm donor, she chose to give pregnancy a final try and had the soon to expire embryos implanted, a procedure that honestly, happens all the time. In this case, all 6 took, and two twinned, resulting in 8 fetuses. This mother was then faced with the usual selective reduction option that all of us who conceive multiples must weigh. She made a decision. Now we question if it is the right one for her, for us as a country. Wait a minute, what did I just write? Yep, you read it correctly. So why are we questioning this woman's right to spend her money, however she earned it or acquired it? Why is it that we think she should have either not gone for that last pregnancy because she already had 6 at home, or didn't have a husband or maybe even think she should have chosen selective reduction instead. What gives us the idea that we have a right to tell someone else how to think, how to react, how to choose in this situation? This octuplet incident has brought to light factions that are out there that champion legislation that would limit the number of children a family or person can have whether it be through natural conception or with the aid of fertility. Yes, they want to say that one isn't the same as the other yet the end result is the same. Each method of conception does result in a human child, yet they dare to state that one method requires regulation and suggest that mandatory selective reduction is the answer in cases of multiple pregnancy when concieved via fertility methods/aids. So I ask you, where exactly will the burden of proof come from in a legal standpoint, should you conceive naturally and find yourself having to prove it to someone to avoid being forced to selectively reduce or terminate your pregnancy to comply with these proposed laws? Sure, it's easy to prove fertility methods medically with a paper trail of doctor's records and billing. But try and prove that you conceived naturally, just try. How would you do this? The answer is, YOU SIMPLY CANNOT. Yet there are people out there who would have you do just that. I'd like to think that these folks will be unsuccessful in their efforts at regulating population control, but in this day and age, and with everything I am hearing, it would be painstakingly easy to get it passed. Listen to what everyone has been saying. Look at it for face value. They dare to postulate that single mothers shouldn't have multples, in this case octuplets plus the ones this lady has at home, siting nontraditional home-life (no father) lack of support of the grandparents. Some even say that she should have included the parents in her decision when in fact we have no proof that she did not include them in it. I look at this woman and see every other large family out there. Is she rational? Is she sane? What is the difference in her having her large family and the very large welfare families that you see out there that have become the social norm. What about the abnormally large families resulting from religions that mandate that birth control is bad? Yet they continue to have children for no other reason than the Pope says that contraceptives are bad? We don't judge them. We don't look at them and tell them that we wished they would stop having kids, we wish that you had stopped at 2 instead of 8. Instead we somehow understand that it's their religion that has caused all of this therefore it is okay? So what really is the difference here? Should we have the right to condemn a single woman for wanting her family at whatever size it may come in? Is it our business? At the heart of this debate, it raises questions that we should answer ourselves before we ask them of others. When we first conceived as mothers, did we know if we could afford a child? Did we all go into this knowing that it would all work out in the end or did we take a chance? Did we take a good look at our financial situations, and family home life and possible support systems or lack thereof and make our decision based on that as to if we would conceive a child or not? How many of us did not plan our pregnancy? Who had to think of these questions after conception and how many of us made decisions to either abort, put our children up for adoption or make a go of it regardless and resolve to do the best that we can for our unborn children? What were were thinking when we conceived our 2nd or third children? Did we feel an overwhelming urge to have another child because in reality our biological clock was ticking? Is there any real rationale in listening to that biological clock so to say? Is it hormones? Are women just insane? These things are all part of being female. Our right to make these decisions for ourselves and our bodies is what has driven us over time to fight for our rights and the rights of our daughters. We are still fighting. We are still influenced by religion and those around us. Would selective reduction be so awful if everyone weren't so in to being pro-life? Would more women choose it willingly if they weren't being pressured by their churches and their peers as being labeled baby killers in cases where multiple births occur? What about adoption? it is a very viable option and many do choose to put their children up for adoption. I wonder what the world would think of this woman with the octuplets if she had carried them to term then turned around and left them to their own devices in the NICU and put them up for adoption, sold them to the highest bidder, instead of choosing to stick by them and be there to help them grow and thrive? I have heard of cases where the mother actually does put their multiples up for adoption, leaving them to fate to muddle through the NICU alone. In fact, one case was local and it has driven me to want to foster multiples in such situations. It does happen often and it does lessen their chances of survival. Also, when I was 33 weeks pregnant (I delivered at 34 weeks to the day) I was actually asked to give up one or even better, two of my babies for adoption to a couple who were acquaitences of the family. What my father was thinking asking a very pregnant very hormonal woman that question, I will never ever know, but he did, whatever his reasons. They would pay me for my children. How do I decide that? Who could do that? I had never worked so hard for anything in all my life and here someone was wanting me to give up one or more for adoption? Yet it happens. What would they think of this octuplet mommie if this happened? I think they would be appalled either way because the world needs a story, a drama to divert their attention. Instead of trying to understand where she was coming from, they are quick to condemn. Instead of marveling over the successful pregnancy and how well these children are doing, they fixate on the grandparents and how they are faring after being at home for several months while the mother has been on bedrest. They tear apart the living situation, but look at your own homes. I have a family of 6 living in a 3 bedroom home that is not mine. Yes, it can be messy at times. Everybody has their good days and bad days. Yet we still survive. The unemployment rate right now is astronomical and the price of gas and milk goes up every week. We all muddle through and this family will, too. Don't be too quick to judge. Think of what you are saying when you say you wish these folks had never been born or should not have been born. Think of what you mean when you say multiple births through fertility should be regulated and population control methods ratified. Think of the world should this happen. Think of your own children and what they will go through. Do we really have the right to make other's choices for them? Is this really what having rights is all about? Are women any more or less able to make decisions for themselves and are they able to be rational or should stone-aged schools of thought be brought back in the name of posterity? Careful the words you say, children will listen and learn.