Confused

Posted by Vulnadia on Jul 12, 2009 at 09:06 PM This has been probably one of the most confusing weeks for me. I just don't know what to think anymore about anything, really. Monday, an old friend of mine from High School died of Cancer. He was only a year ahead of me and basically we were the same age. We did High School Theater together and always had this inside joke with each other that came from poor motivation/direction given to us by our director during this one show. She told us to go sit on the park bench Diva left and make-out or something. We always found it funny because I really REALLY wasn't his type. I won't go into it, but you can probably guess what that was all about and why we found it so very funny. Apparently the director didn't realize it either. Later, when Bregon was a year old, my friend and I had the good fortune to be cast in the show, "A Long Day's Journey Into Night" by Eugene O'neal. I played the Irish Maid witha thing for the youngest son, played by my friend (only this time the director was savvy enough to know us both very well & was in on the big joke and irony of it all) but oddly enough he was the character that was dying of tuberculosis in the show. It was during that show that the nominations for the then Drama Awards were posted and I found myself nominated for a role that I had done that was extremely controversial. My friend surprised me by meeting our Director and us at the awards and sitting with us at our table. We had such a great time. I had hoped to get to work with him again soon. My friend's death hits extremely close to home for me because each year as my birthday draws near, my Daddy always makes a point to tell me that I am nearing my expiration date. He means it jokingly, but I have never found it very funny. You see, my mother died of lung cancer when she was only 39 (I was 21 at the time and a month away from becoming a Mother myself for the first time.) This being said, my birthday is in a few weeks, and I have been thinking about it again. I know the comment is coming and soon. Another dear friend of mine found out she has inoperable lung cancer this past October. Her story has a different twist. We didn't expect her to make it even this far, so we were giddy with excitement a few months ago when they found out that she had done so well in chemo that they were going to let her other things that wouldn't have normally been an option given the late stage of everything. Tuesday evening, the tests results came back and my other friend is officially in remission. I feel like some deal was made somewhere, some decision made and that there might have been a trade of sorts. I know it's probably silly of me to think that way, but fact is it's there. It crossed my mind and I have dwelled upon it all week long. I am soo very grateful that one friend has a new chance at life. But, a part of me is very sad that another much younger friend wasn't so lucky. Then there is what happened today. Why do bad things have to happen to children, or to anybody for that matter. I cannot begin to go into that last part at the moment, it isn't fair to anyone. But here I sit, typing this, and very confused. My eldest still doesn't know for certain that he won't be losing more friends in the next few hours even. I have old friends who have literally come out of the woodwork to help me find out as much as we can as to the whereabouts and states of the children that we might know that were also in the accident. I know nothing can erase the pain and heartache that my child feels right now. I really don't want to make it any worse. Yet here we sit, waiting and worrying, grieving for the loss we know about. Really that is the worst of it, but the idea that there could be more loss for him and at that age. Their immediate friends have been calling, checking in with each other, making sure that nobody tagged along and that everyone is accounted for. But in the back of their minds, they don't know where some of them are. There are three little boys that were thick as thieves. Two of them are feeling really lonely and sad right now. And me, well, I am still sitting here typing, confused.